My Blog

Happy Easter to everyone! I hope you are able to spend it with those you love. I am looking forward to making a meal for Dom and my parents tomorrow. This time last year I was over in Tadcaster and spent the weekend decorating the bedroom Clive and I had planned, not really knowing where my future was going. One of my pleasures then was seeing Sophie enjoy her chocolate eggs!  And of course she wasn’t allowed to eat it all!! Many times I too have felt I had to do everything all at once – yet life is much easier (and less sickening) in small chunks.

12 months on I am back in Cheshire and although I shall never forget him or the time we had, I have had to ‘move on’ in several ways.

Initially, allow me  to share a blog I wrote the week before last – it did not get posted because I also had problems doing that at the time ….

‘Every now and then do you question your purpose only for the Universe to respond and renew your conviction to it?

Ever since I resigned my teaching career (2005) and took the risk of becoming self-employed to be a speaker on postnatal depression, occasionally I have had such moments.  Those who know me well will play witness to my mood swings! Yes I can be happy, bubbly and full of sunshine – then every now and then I slip the other way. This week that happened and I have needed a dose of my own medicine administered by those close to me!

I had allowed a couple of less than favourable comments after recent talks to get me down.  I am well aware that as a speaker it is highly unlikely that you will appeal to every single person in the audience, for whatever reason. I ignored the 95% positive remarks and focussed on the 5%! Think of your favourite actor, television programme or film – got one? Now if you share that with others, the chances are that someone will say ‘Really??!’  We can’t all like the same things.

So it was on Thursday morning, I woke in a ‘can’t be bothered’ frame of mind. Boy, did I have a wallow and the kind of conversation with myself that if it had been directed at someone else, they would have been completely crushed! Why do we do that to ourselves?

I suppose I have let others issues get to me too:

1.  After my self-imposed pressure to launch my new website and my recent talks, I have no other ‘deadline’ I have to meet.  I am most productive when I have one!
2. My PC is still poorly
3. I have put the weight back on I lost last year and all my clothes are now extremely tight and I feel very middle-aged and have little energy!
4. I feel my house is very dusty and after watching the B & B comparison programme ‘Four in a Bed’  I am conscious of it even more!
5. I still can’t get my emails onto my Blackberry since I switched to a new server

As I have written those things down I am laughing at myself! As my good friend Sue Peckham would say – ‘Get a grip’!

When I think of how far I have come after losing Clive last year, I should be so grateful for many things, and I really am.  This time last year I was in turmoil – not sleeping, crying at the least thing,  feeling like a gingerbread man cut-out with all my stuffing knocked out, reeling from shock and bereavement. I used my blog as a way to help myself and others. Now I am in my own home, close to my family and friends with much to enjoy and look forward to.

So how did I change my mood yesterday morning? I got physically busy. I have never cleaned the windows on my lounge since I moved here in November but I set to – it’s a job I loathe but once shiny, I began to feel so much better.  The duster and vacuum cleaner came out too and as I cleaned and listened to music, little by little my positive voice crept back into my internal system.

When my good friend and colleague Ann Girling arrived, she listened to my whinges. When I heard the self-depreciating sounds coming from my mouth I could hear how silly I was being! As I spoke I could hear the ‘plan’ formulating:-

1. My website is always in development – there is always something I can add to it. I also now can focus on work with The Joanne Bingley Memorial Foundation.
2. Get my PC looked at and fixed!
3. Eat less – exercise more.
4. Clean the house!
5. Ask for help with my Blackberry.

Ann and I made our plans for more workshops and exciting plans with the charity whilst I indulged in my favourite boiled eggs and toast! By the time she left my enthusiasm and hope had returned and I was busy at my desk all afternoon. This included two phone calls to companies wanting to include me in documentaries on postnatal depression plus a Mum wanting help. The day concluded with contact from another up and coming speaker who said how much I have inspired her. Told you no-one wanted me anymore!

So my tips for dealing with self-doubt?

1. Allow yourself a little wallow (as my friend Paul McGee would call it – Hippo time)
2. Share your feelings with someone else or write them down – you will more clearly see if you have real cause to be so down on yourself
3. Get physical – just do something. Quote from Ann ‘just sitting wrapped in a blanket on your sofa looking pathetic won’t actually achieve anything’
4. Make a new plan and refresh your direction and tasks
5. Be kind to yourself especially in how you speak to yourself
6. Remember that tomorrow is another day and it will probably be much better.

Mine was … next blog coming soon.’

So that was me the week before last!

An update since then:-

1. My good friend Chris has decided to stand down from The Joanne Bingley Memorial Foundation for personal reasons. This means that as a trustee I will be doing more for the charity. We are excited about future plans, such as setting up a befriending scheme for sufferers of postnatal depression. I am also busy doing telephone coaching again.
2. I have my PC fixed and haven’t lost any information – phew!
3. Eating less – still need to rebuild exercise in. Ann has asked me to be a model at a fund-raising event we are planning for the charity in June. Motivation or what?!
4. The house is clean. I even got a window cleaner yesterday as the upstairs windows are beyond me and my step-ladder. It is also a task I dislike and by delegating it, my time can be spent more productively and he will do a better job than me!  A few other changes upstairs means I now have a comfy, ‘compact’ spare bedroom.
5. I put some time and effort into my Blackberry and now am receiving all emails back on it.

So life is much better all round. On reflection all I had to do was make a plan and take action!

So how else have I ‘moved-on’? As Easter is often considered as a time of rebirth and ‘new life’, this seems an appropriate time to tell you that I am now in a new relationship. It has developed over time as I wasn’t ready or inclined to want another man in my life when Clive died, of course. When I did begin to allow myself to even think another romance could be possible, I worried about what other people would think.  There is a whole blog (or even book!) on beginning another relationship after suddenly losing a partner you loved. It is far from easy for either side of the partnership! For example, as the bereaved you can burst into tears at a song or past memory whilst with your new partner. It takes time, sensitivity  and understanding from both of you as the focus has to be on creating new memories together. One day we may share our tips on this as currently we are still working on them!

I decided that if I remained single for the rest of my days I would be criticised, likewise saying that I am privileged (and stunned!) to have found someone to love and by loved by again, then I am also open to comment!  The experiences of last year have taught me many things, not least that life is precious and we have much to be grateful for. I wish to make the most of the time I have and I know that my family and close friends are certainly happier seeing me smile again.

I wish to keep my new relationship private, however, it seems we are making an impact regardless!

A few days ago we were in a shop together. I noticed a little mark on his face and we shared ‘a moment’ whilst I wiped it off.  That was all it was. An attractive, well-dressed lady, possibly a little older than me, appeared from nowhere. She took my arm and said,

‘Can I say thank you to you two? I lost my husband suddenly two years ago. Watching you two so obviously happy together has given me hope. You are an inspiration and I wanted to tell you’.

She smiled at us with tears in her eyes and walked away. We agreed she needed to know more. I followed her and explained my loss and how amazed I have been to know you can create a new life and have love again.  I wished her well and that ‘you never know’ what is ahead.

We continued to shop feeling warm and content that we had made a positive difference to someone else – if just for a moment.  Part of my purpose would appear to continue to be an inspiration to others.

Happy Easter and enjoy your chocolate in small chunks! Incidentally I have politely declined it this year!

Elaine

www.hanzak.com

http://www.greatvine.com/elaine-hanzak