My Blog

I feel both shaken and stirred. Some nights it is difficult to sleep. With a new baby that is often the case. For me, sleep deprivation and a range of other factors lead to me developing puerperal psychosis a few months after my much-wanted son was born. Almost 20 years on, I need to stay awake tonight to reflect on watching two ladies share their stories of the same illness, being filmed and broadcast tonight as part of the BBC ‘In the Mind’ series of mental health. You can watch it via this link .

When I was pregnant in 1995/96, postnatal depression was something I had heard about and dismissed as never happening to me. I was a school teacher; organised; efficient; I wrote lists; I was happily married; I had always wanted to be a mother. In the months that followed the traumatic birth of my son, I experienced my life and mental health unravelling. I suffered a range of physical illnesses; my baby was extremely unwell with a viral septicaemia; he hardly slept for what seemed like more than two hours at a time; I was stressed at having to go back to work; I pushed away offers of help for fear of being judged badly. I was prescribed a mild-antidepressant and attended a support group. The underlying shame and guilt I felt resulted in me hiding my true thoughts and feelings until I ‘crashed’ the week before his first Christmas.

In the early hours of a December morning, I wandered the wet, cold streets wearing just my night dress. Had geography been different I may have become a ‘statistic’ of a mother who took her own life by walking in front of a moving vehicle. I didn’t want to die – I did want my brain switched off. Luckily I was found curled up on a church doorstep. During the next 24 hours I attacked my father who attempted to comfort me; I threatened to hurt my baby and began to self-harm. I was diagnosed with puerperal psychosis and spent the next two months in a general psychiatric ward apart from my son. Breastfeeding, the only thing I felt I could do as a mother, was ‘stolen’ from me, due to that enforced separation. I still feel that loss now.

Many women who develop puerperal psychosis often have bi-polar disorder and a psychotic episode can be brought about by pregnancy. For other women, like me, it can have many of the same symptoms and not be related to bi-polar disorder. I was completely free of medication within a couple of years after my son was born.

Once recovered, I shared my story in ‘Eyes without Sparkle – a journey though postnatal illness’ (CRC Press, 2005) to show how a severe mental illness can develop and how it is possible to recover. It has been read all over the world and I am humbled to say that I know it has helped to inspire others in many ways – including staying alive. The last 11 years I have continued to speak, write and spread awareness about the illness and campaign for better facilities, recognition and support for the families affected. My second book, ‘Another twinkle in the eye – contemplating another pregnancy after perinatal mental illness’ (CRC Press, 2015) has been written to help those facing the dilemma of ‘next time around’.

At my second book launch 23rd September 2105

It gives me great joy to feel that finally we are beginning to wake society and government up to the impact of this illness, and others, associated with perinatal mental health. This week the BBC is really focussed on mental health along with the release of reports, storyline in EastEnders, etc.

I felt that the programme tonight was beautifully and sensitively filmed. I have known Dr Alain Gregoire since 2006 when I was invited to be the opening speaker of an international group of clinicians and researchers from around the world at The Marcé Society conference. I know that he and many others have been shouting long and hard for all the same things I have. To have a documentary commissioned on his specialist unit was great and I feel that it should champion our cause even more.

Why?

1. The two brave women and their families were very articulate, loving and ‘normal’. They weren’t from deprived and challenging backgrounds – where I used to believe mental illness ‘belonged’. I hope that it helped to illustrate that any woman, regardless of background, can be vulnerable.
2. It did state that PP affects 1 in 500 women, so it is rare. Yet where it appears, it can have massive impact.
3. It showed how the partners and grandparents are affected; that there may be older children to be looked after.
4. It was excellent to show that a mother can still breastfeed even if she is taking (safe) medication.
5. It was wonderful to see the erratic recovery yet with ultimately positive outcomes.
6. With the correct care lives can and must be saved.
7. I loved how comfortable the unit looked, yet also safe.
8. I feel it showed the need to keep mothers and babies together. Perhaps it could have ended with some of the latest economic report figures as to how many specialist beds we are short of in the UK and a ‘call to action’?
9. I thought the portrayal of Alain and his team was excellent.

So how did I react to it?

It was a roller coaster ride! I had the great anticipation of it being on and had tucked myself up with a hot chocolate in bed to watch it. As I know Alain, it was the typical excitement most of us feel when waiting to see someone we know ‘on the box’.

I found myself nodding at many of the introductory statements about the illness. As the two ladies began to ‘show’ how they were feeling, I was right back in the psychiatric ward I was placed in. The dark eyes; the inability to relax; the massive swings of emotion. I would say that I was ‘fully’ recovered many years ago, yet the memory of that period is etched more on my mind than what I ate for lunch yesterday!

I felt for the pain of my loved ones as the families and husbands of the ladies spoke. When you are ill you become very self-absorbed and do not appreciate the agony they go through. No-one can give you a ‘better by’ date, like is often the case with physical illness.

The more engrossed in the ladies I became, they more emotional I was. I remembered being allowed home for a few hours from the hospital and was so excited to be going. Yet when I did so, I recall sitting in front of the washing machine and sobbing to my baby’s father ‘take me back’. It must have been so very hard for him. We divorced a number of years ago.

The most impactful part for me was witnessing ECT (electro-convulsive therapy). Like one of the women in the documentary, I was also given a course of this treatment when I was not responding to anything else. I literally gasped as they showed the needle in the back of her hand and the ‘sea’ of faces around the treatment bed, as she spasmed. I even have jaw ache and a headache since watching – like I did after the treatment! I am glad they showed it though because, like me, it was effective for the lady. We saw her emerging again as a well woman, very much in love with her baby and husband. It certainly put me on the road to recovery.

Thank you to all involved in the programme.

So where to from here?

The programme has inspired me again to ‘keep on keeping on’. I have felt almost overwhelmed by the many stories of perinatal mental illness emerging in recent months. Is it time for me to stop and let younger mothers do what I have been doing? Not a chance! I shall continue to share my experiences and knowledge that I have acquired to continue to say how vital it is to treat and support pregnant women and new mothers (and their families and partners). I a so proud of them!

Tracey, Eve, Beth and Kathryn at my book launch in September 2015

The ‘army’ is growing. The voices are getting louder, like the ladies pictured. The awareness raising has peaked tremendously. The breakthrough will come when we have women, their loved ones and healthcare professionals alert and informed about ‘bizarre’ behaviour following childbirth. They will know what it is; that it can be treated AND there are local services and resources available to allow women to become amazing and well mothers.

I have made my appointment to speak to my local MP about this issue – when are you going to canvass yours?

As my friend Kathryn also suggests:

‘If you’ve just watched “My Baby, Psychosis and Me” and been as moved as I have by the strength of Hannah, Jenny and their families… Well you might wonder what to do next.

One tiny thing would be to send a text APPY £5 (or APPY £10) to 70070 to donate to Action on Postpartum Psychosis. To help them help mums like Hannah and Jenny, by campaigning for more vital Mother and Baby Unit beds. They also provide huge amounts of practical support to families at a time when there is so much confusion and distress.’

Elaine 🙂