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>Today my chest and throat have rebelled good style! Dom suggested I went to the GP and within an hour my neighbour Michelle gave us a lift into Tadcaster. The doctor was very reassuring that my way of handling this grief was good but we all acknowledge that I am close to exhaustion! I know after Wednesday that I MUST be kinder to me and take some time out. Clive had nothing but praise for the NHS for all his treatment (his heart attack could not have been spotted) and I agree wholeheartedly. I have some anti-biotics and as my chest hurts will take them. I wish there was a tablet for heartache… 
Dom and I then had a little mooch around Tadcaster sorting out a few things I wanted to do. Banana milkshake and crumpets in a cafe by a fire was cosy. We walked back and after chatting to Sara about plans for Wednesday Dom and I came up with another vision for the balloons a few people have suggested – I am working on it!

Back home I finally managed some time at the computer to sort some photos but then admitted defeat! I went back to bed leaving Dom in charge of calls and callers.  I did rest for a while then felt hungry for the first time in days. Last night’s Chinese left-overs were really tasty – then yes – I finished the ice cream! I had a dressing gown chill and ‘house programme’ television fix for a while.

Meanwhile Michelle from next door returned with the few groceries she had offered to bring. Dom unpacked and then brought me some Dairy Milk chocolate – an extra item in the bags! Clive and I always appreciated the unexpected ‘little things’ we did for each other and others. It is so good when someone ‘pays-it-forward’. What can you do to make someone smile?

After checking the Celebration sheet (thanks Shelli and Sara), Lynn and Rod (Clive’s sister and brother-in-law) came to pick me up and took me to see Clive. It has to be one of the worse things I have ever had to do. I just wanted him to wake up. He did look more peaceful than when he was taken from home though. After a tsunami of a cry I then did as I had intended by putting his favourite aftershave on (called Forever) and spiked his hair. It is only now as I write this that I see the significance of that. His last two main speaking events were for Forever Living Products and then Barrie Stephens Hairdressers. Those actions seem to calm me and I talked to him. Just feeling his stubble was a comfort, as was holding his hand. I loved to walk holding his hand and he’d always tell me how proud he was to walk into a room with me on his arm. I felt so safe when I was wrapped in those strong arms. I held his cold, cold hand and let a flood of happy memories flood into me until I felt strong again. He would want me to. As I kissed him I could hear him say ‘I adore you’. We left.

Back home with Dom we have been watching ‘The Wedding Catchers’. I feel calmer, more relaxed and so very glad I have seen my Clive. I shall return tomorrow and leave him with something to take with him.

There is only one way to end today – chocolate anyone?

Elaine x