Although the twitching had subsided and my stomach had settled, at times I still had the dreadful urge to harm myself. With time I was allowed more at my bedside and yet I still hurt myself. I used the cassette box from the tapes I had asked Nick to bring in for me. Staff had suggested I might relax listening to favourite music on a Walkman, usually Lionel Richie. When I did feel ready for a photograph of Dominic, a day or two later I took the frame apart and slashed at my arm with it. One day another patient showed me scars all over her body from self-abuse. I was actually sitting on the toilet at the time! The locks were none-existent, and she just pushed the door open and sat on the floor to tell me her history! It was not an environment to be prudish or vain. There were few mirrors on the ward because they had been smashed and used for abusive purposes. One night I overheard the repercussions of this patient’s latest attack on herself as they waited for an ambulance for her. Staff chastised her for wasting everyone’s time and said ‘A and E’ at the general hospital had better things to do than patch up people like her repeatedly. Once upon a time I might have agreed with them but having experienced these urges you are powerless to stop yourself and obviously do need help, not criticism, to prevent it happening again.
