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Posted by Elaine Hanzak on 24 Aug 2011 /
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Did you think I’d disappeared? I haven’t gone away – just been busy, which is good.
On Monday I joined my fellow trustees of The Joanne (Joe) Bingley Memorial Foundation for an Outlook training session done by Mandy Williams of Altum V. She did a brilliant job of teaching us even though we behaved like naughty children swapping scandal and gossip – okay – my weekend!!
I felt really inspired on my return home to ‘set to’ on a task which has been on my conscience for months. When Clive died I received hundreds of beautiful emails. I have always intended to reply to them but either time or emotion hasn’t been right. So I have begun to make a dent in them asking permission for me to share the contents with others – it seems selfish to keep them to myself as they put a fantastic picture of Clive together. I hope one day I can put them on a website for all to see. If I haven’t got to you yet – I will! Even if it takes until Christmas.
Yesterday I had another day at my desk. I rattled through my lists and did more emails. I had an event to attend that night so was motivated to get busy! I was pleased that Ann and I got another booking to hold one of our workshops on postnatal depression at a Children’s Centre.
Sitting at my desk surrounded by pictures of Clive is not easy. I glance up and he is here – looking at me. I often feel a wave of despair that life feels so different without him in it. So empty even though I am so busy. So overwhelming with having to be self-reliant for everything. Days when I am by myself it would be so easy to stay in bed; not eat; do nothing but wallow and watch television. No matter how much support I have, need and appreciate I know that in the end I HAVE to take responsibility for myself. Depression is an avenue I can understand why some people go down after bereavement. The black hole Clive has left is bad enough without allowing myself to spiral into the black hole of depression.
One extremely uplifting thing I did yesterday was to read Ann Girling’s manuscript of her forthcoming book ‘Journey to Chocolate’ for which I am honoured she has asked me to write the foreword. I did both. Her book is wonderful – details to follow!
The day passed and at 7.30 pm I was picked up to be taken on a short drive down the A64 to The Buckles Inn for a meeting of the North Yorkshire Lotus Owners Club. Last week, one of Clive’s friends had met up with me and told me he goes here once a month. We decided that if I was free I’d go. I admit that my desire is for a red Audi convertible A3 but what do you think of this ….?
I was taken for a ‘run’ around the back lanes which I normally cycle on. Wow! Talk about going like muck off a shovel! I loved it! I was surprised how much did. As Dom will vouch I can be a wimp but I didn’t flinch. I think since losing Clive I have become so much braver about so much. They were a very friendly group and there were 55 Lotus cars to mooch around before a meeting inside with plans for plenty of social events.
I enjoyed the evening and smiled at how many new experiences I am now having! Thank you for a fun evening!
I was also introduced to the music of Diane Warren – she has written many of my favourite songs but didn’t realise. I have been listening to this collection all day, including
1. I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing – Aerosmith
2. Because You Loved Me – Celine Dion
3. Can’t Fight the Moonlight – LeAnn Rimes
4. I Turn to You – Christina Aguilera
5. How Do I Live – Trisha Yearwood
6. Un-Break My Heart – Toni Braxton
7. From the Heart – Another Level
8. I Learned from the Best – Whitney Houston
9. Saving Forever for You – Shanice
10. There You’ll Be – Faith Hill
2. Because You Loved Me – Celine Dion
3. Can’t Fight the Moonlight – LeAnn Rimes
4. I Turn to You – Christina Aguilera
5. How Do I Live – Trisha Yearwood
6. Un-Break My Heart – Toni Braxton
7. From the Heart – Another Level
8. I Learned from the Best – Whitney Houston
9. Saving Forever for You – Shanice
10. There You’ll Be – Faith Hill
However I have a new love – Il Divo! I have never really listened to them before but this made me melt! Couldn’t drive to this though.
Today I have also been at my desk! More emails, more flyers sent for our workshops – and music as company.
Tonight it was a pleasure to have Sue, Scott and the girls to visit. Children give such lovely cuddles! This remains one of my favourite pictures of Clive.
Shame about the washing!
He would be getting so excited now about Leeds Rhinos rugby league playing at Wembley at the weekend. He’d be hardly able to sleep! Bless him!
I miss being driven by him late at night with loud music on, as we returned from another successful speaking event.
Oh dear – think I have caught a fast car bug!!! I have just noticed it matches the yellow dress – but it’s called Norfolk mustard! Hot stuff, ey?
So does having a ‘treat’ lined up help you to focus on ‘work’? It does me.
And what have you learnt today? I learnt that the same woman has written many of my favourite songs and I LOVE fast cars!
Elaine x
Comment for Fast cars and fabulous music!
Elaine Hanzak
m: 07762 148183
e: elaine@hanzak.com
>Hi Elaine, if you like Il Divo listen to I believe in You, it's from their album Ancora. I'm sure there's some Clive speaking in there! Big hugs xx