My Blog

On May 9^th this year I remember reading the shocking news of a mother who had apparently killed her two babies, aged 14 months and 9 weeks. At the time, the speculation was that it was due to her suffering from postnatal depression. This week the case came to court and this was confirmed – Felicia Boots was found to be guilty of manslaughter on the grounds of diminished responsibility, and was placed under a hospital psychiatric order.

Understandably there has been a media focus on the case and on postnatal depression in general. I too was contacted to speak about it. Many readers will be aware that since my book was published in 2005, ‘Eyes without Sparkle – a journey through postnatal illness’, I have willingly spoken out in the media about it in order to raise awareness. I also like to help educate others about it, tackle the stigma often associated with it, impact the support services and especially offer hope that it is possible to get better.

I usually am very excited to be asked and am even more delighted by some of the feedback I receive which tells me that my aims have been met.  This week I confess I have been deeply affected by this very sad situation of Felicia and her family.

You can read one of the many reports here 

Firstly I was on BBC News Channel. This was a very odd experience as I was in a very dark, screened off area on one of the floors at BBC Media City in Salford. I had a back drop behind me, an ear piece in and nothing to look at except blackness! My friend Angela had come with me for company as our original plan was to have a girlie night in – a phone call changed that!

It seems my niece spotted me on television!

I t was very weird just to hear a voice asking me questions. I had no idea what this person looked like and there we none of the usual visual clues you can gauge as to how long to speak for and no-one to have eye contact with. I am well aware that I can use a paragraph when a sentence will do. I had mentally prepared the key issues I wanted to cover and was content with the interview.

Since that interview I wanted to check on the figures of how many babies are killed. I was shocked to find the reports by the NSPCC. Did you know that on average, one baby is killed almost every two weeks in the UK? This figure includes more than those killed due to mental health problems, yet it is still a figure that is not good. The NSPCC has many statistics and as a resource too I recommend their report ‘All babies count’. 

They have also made some information films ‘Breakthrough or Breakdown’ .

From the BBC News channel, Angela and I then had some time to fill before I was a guest on Tony Livesey’s BBC 5live radio show at 10.45 p.m. I was there for over half an hour with the opportunity to talk about my experiences and also to listen and comment upon many others who phoned in. The feeling of how many people are affected by this illness began to sink in ever deeper.

After the taxi dropped me home around midnight, I had so much adrenalin pumping I simply could not sleep. My mind would not switch off as it flitted from one thought to another. It reminded me of the many disturbed nights I had when I was mentally ill. What more can be done to help these women and their families?

On Wednesday morning I was contacted by BBC 1’s Breakfast team and invited onto the programme on Thursday.  Later that day I enjoyed a relaxed afternoon with my Mum at a spa – a belated birthday present. As we waited for our treatment, I picked up a newspaper and looked for an article about Felicia. It described how her husband had found her sitting at the top of the stairs hugging herself – he had then gone on to find the bodies of his children in a wardrobe. Wham! In a flash I was back just under 16 years. The day I ‘flipped’ and had also experienced the awful wave of wanting to harm my baby came back like it was yesterday. I remembered also sitting at the top of the stairs waiting for Dom’s Dad to come and find me. Thank heavens he was able to discover his son crying but otherwise safe in his cot. The realisation hit me hard that it could have so easily have been me that had killed my child.

With that thought my mind went into overdrive. Dominic is my pride and joy. Apart from a few weeks when I was very ill, he has fulfilled every ounce of maternal instinct and bond I dreamed of. The thought hit me of how I would have felt if I had hurt him that day. What would have happened? All the delight (and motherly concerns) I have had so far and will have in the future, would not have been possible. Postnatal depression and psychosis is treatable and recoverable. My heart breaks for Felicia as she will recover from the psychological tricks your mind can play on you as part of the illness – the consequences of what she did whilst experiencing them will stay with her forever. I pray that she gets the love and support that she will need in the months and years ahead.

Judging by the wave of messages through Social Media, I am not alone in that thought that ‘it could have been me’. I know that it is wasted energy and pointless to torment ourselves with ‘what ifs’ so I knew I had to reframe and focus on the ‘can do’ instead. I do have a significant ‘can do’ which I shall share in the next couple of weeks – watch this space.

I had another very restless night before I was back on the BBC sofa. A few people who know me well have commented that I looked less at ease than on other interviews. They have said there was something about my eyes that gave it away! Bluntly I felt upset. I was pleased though to have Angelika Wieck as the other guest who I have known a number of years. She is a consultant perinatal psychiatrist at the Wythenshawe Mother and Baby Unit, part of the Manchester Mental Health and Social Care Trust. These specialist centres do incredible work. I know that some of her patients and families have read my book and it has given them hope.

On this interview I was there ‘as a Mum’. My book and ‘expert by experience’ role wasn’t mentioned. In retrospect it was better that I felt vulnerable and showed it a little. The focus was on the urge to harm your baby. As I was speaking I felt aware of the fact Dominic would hear this. He is extremely supportive of all I do to raise awareness and help others – yet had I taken it a step too far? I was unnerved the rest of the day until I had chance to hug him, for us to watch it together and for him to say that he is fine with it. ‘Mum, you were ill’, he said. Some people say I am courageous to share what I do. Without his support it would stop right now. Thank you Dom for continuing to let me tell our story.

I shall post a link to the clip when I have got it.

I would have liked to have got the last word in on the interview purely to have added an extra optimistic message. You never really know how long you have and as we all know there is SO much I could say! As these interviews are live there is no chance to ask to rewind – one shot and that’s it! You have no notes to crib from so you simply have to cover what you can, the best you can, in the time given. I wanted to give more. A friend has kindly reminded me that I don’t have to do it all.

I sincerely hope that these three media interviews will have helped someone. I am well aware that you cannot please everyone. If the difference is that at a point in the future a lady is able to hang onto enough reality (due to a shred of awareness that she needs help) to put her baby safely into a cot as opposed to smothering them when tormented by the demons of postnatal illness, then the power of the media is immeasurable.  We may never know either.

I had lunch with two of my best friends Sue and Margaret, on Friday. They are in my book and remain part of my life. I cherish and appreciate their friendship. Margaret told me that her daughter Emily had gone into school and her 15/16 year old peers were all talking about the topic due to BBC Breakfast.  They didn’t know that she knew me. At their age I know I had never heard of postnatal depression. Perhaps other teenagers also spoke about it. The awareness is being built. Thank you BBC for the opportunity to do this.

By the media giving the publicity to the case of Felicia Boot, just maybe we may be able to stop a similar tragedy. It has created many articles, e.g. this one in the Guardian.

Also this week Ed Miliband has spoken out about mental illness – see one account here.   According to Mr. Miliband, ‘mental health will only cease to be a problem if all people with mental health difficulties can find their place in life, with taboos lifted and everyone pulling in the same direction.’

If we can as a society begin to accept more and more that postnatal depression, in particular, is an illness and to treat it as such; to provide the services that are needed to support women and their families and to stamp out the stigma associated with poor mental health, then just maybe, in the years ahead there will be less women who feel ‘it could have been me’.

Elaine

http://www.greatvine.com/elaine-hanzak